Thursday, November 5, 2015

Mixed Feelings About ECs

Extra Curriculars. Do they matter if you're not applying to professional school? I'm sorta confused. As an Legal Studies & Economics major, I've heard that paid jobs are worth more than clubs and volunteering on the resume to employers. I'm not so sure of that now. I used to be involved in clubs in my university life, and I admit, it is good to have something to talk about in interviews and introductions, but do they really play that big of a role in the hiring eyes?

Many internship positions I found like to see demonstration of leadership skills in extra curriculars in clubs and volunteering. So what should I do now? Take on some volunteering or join some clubs again?

I always thought GPA was very important and I dropped many of my ECs this semester to focus on my GPA. Hopefully the extra time will give way to a higher GPA...? 

Friday, October 9, 2015

Piercings and Tattoos

Let's talk about piercings and tattoos. 

So what I have so far are five piercings and zero tattoos. I have two lobe piercings on each ear and a naval piercing. The double lobe piercings don't come as a surprise to most since girls my age and younger already have the double piercings. What does surprise many people is the naval piercing. I am a timid Asian girl who grew up in a conservative family, I am not much of a party type, and I do not dress in clothes that would show my midsection. And so, not many would expect that I have any body piercings. I actually like this. When people see my belly button ring either at the beach, the pool, in the girls locker room at the gym, it kinda gives them the "You judged a book by its cover didn't you?" punch. It's actually kinda sad that these aren't strangers that are the most surprised. They're friends. At least friends who are not that close to me. 

Those who judge me by how I present myself on the first few times we meet or talk are those who I would consider super judgemental. For example, my room-mate saw that I had a stuffed poop plushie, the stuffed unicorn from Despicable Me, and talked about an anime title I've heard of and assumed that I love Japanese culture and entertainment and that is all I like to do for entertainment: watch anime. First of all, I don't like Japanese or Asian television. I've never really gotten into it. Second, judgemental much? I don't even know a thing about Anime aside from what my friends talk about. 

Anyway, getting back on topic, I've always wanted another ear piercing. Since I was about twelve, I've always seen older girls with the helix cartilage pierced as well as the second lobe piercing. 

Photo from Sofisjewelryshop on Etsy
Many might think that I've already grown out of my "badass" wannabe stage since I've stopped wearing earrings in total, but that's because I have a very limited collection of earrings and I've left that limited collection at home. Oh and laziness to put on jewellery might contribute to the reason why I haven't been wearing any jewellery in a while. 

This brings me to another point. Does having piercings mean you're rebellious? I don't think so, but many of those around me do. I've been asked why I felt so rebellious when I got my bellybutton piercing and second lobe piercings. So does having piercings and tattoos make you rebellious/badass?

As for tattoos, I've never really been sure about getting a tattoo for myself but I've always found small tattoos in specific places very stylish. Ever since I've gotten pintrest a little over a year ago, I've liked the look of tattoos more and more.

If I were ever to get a tattoo, it would be:

A serotonin molecule-on my wrist
image from Pintrest

or the skyline of Toronto- on my side (rib area) or foot.
image from Pintrest 

Reasons? 

Well the serotonin molecule is because its cooler than the written words "stay calm" or "happiness" or "be happy". Remembering to be happy is sometimes difficult for everyone because it's easy to focus on the negatives of life when it is only a very small part of it.

As for the Toronto skyline, I've had so many memories in Toronto. If I were to end up anywhere else I'd still want to remember this city.

From the looks of it, I may actually end up getting a tattoo or two. I'm still a young adult so I have lots of time for self persuasion or dissuasion. 



Tuesday, October 6, 2015

A Long Time Rival

Do you ever have that one person in your life that you call a friend but they're more like a rival? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I'll be writing about someone who I treat as a friend but I never really felt like I was treated as a friend by her. There are actually many reasons to this, but this post will just be about the rivalry part.

It has been a long time since I met her. We went to the same elementary school, middle school, high school, and now university. She was always an academic girl. We were always pretty matched up in terms of grades up until grade 10 of high school. I wouldn't have felt this rivalry with anyone else with similar grades as me. The one thing that was different about this 'friendship' was that every time I would beat her in an assessment by at least a percent, she would say things like "you got so lucky!!" or "luckyy you!". My response in my head would always be maybe I just prepared for this test better? Maybe I'm just better at this assessment? Well things like this would happen up til grade 10 when I stopped comparing myself to her in terms of grades.

I started focusing more on being well-rounded. That included extra-curricular. This was the one thing I always topped her in. I was always involved in extra-curricular activities. In grades school I'd be a milk girl, library helper, orchestra member, reading club. In high school it was volleyball, badminton and band. This brings me to my next point. I have always been better than her at physical activity. Sports and strength. At this point in high school I accepted that I may not be as academically geared as she is. So she'd be the friend that was good at school and I'd be the friend that was more social, involved, strong (physically), and sporty.

Recently when she started showing interest in strength training and working out, my thoughts were, oh no you don't. That's crossing into my territory. Childish right? But it's my drive to go to the gym and continuing to improve myself physically. Maybe just to stay better than her at the one thing I was always better at. Everyone else thinks I'm starting to workout a lot more often because of my two room-mates who are pretty often gym-goers, or my boyfriend who's been a long-time fitness junkie, but NOPE. It is this long-time rival of mine.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

New School Year, New Me

As we are entering the last third of 2015, I'm becoming to put plans together and hope to act on all of them for the rest of this year.  Here are some of my goals for the fall.
  1. Post on this blog every week or so
  2. Find a part-time job or freelance gigs 
  3. Learn something about investment in the course I'll be taking and on the online investing simulators
  4. Get toned
  5. Be on top of my classes
  6. See the bright side to things ❤
About the last plan/goal, I've been on a negative spiral this summer and it's really taking a hit on my mood and attitude towards things as well. Basically,  I've been feeling terrible waves of sadness. I'm hoping to change this about me and not let things affect who I am so easily.

Okay so a lot of these sound a bit far fetch when you look at my track record of procrastination and priorities, but I swear this semester will be different, I'll accomplish most of these plans if not all!  (...Said every student out there )

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Hello August

Wait...August? Two-thirds of the way finished too! Where has the summer gone?

Even though I am glad that my 4 month summer break is nearing an end, I am still wondering, what did I really do this summer? Nothing productive it seems, but I still had a lot of fun bumming around the house, having day date with the boo, and this internship program. I also learned a lot about people I thought were cool but turns out they aren't the angels they seemed pretend to be at first. So I guess, I did do some things productive this summer.

The other week, my boyfriend and I went to Canada's Wonderland. When I pointed out the unicorn from Despicable Me being one of the prizes for a carnival game, he went to play. He played twice and won it for me! -does happy dance-  It's so fluffy I'm gonna die! He's so fluffy I'm gonna die. Thanks for the unicorn, love. You are my unicorn. Now I have a symbol of you in my room when you're not with me. Excuse me guys, the fluffy thing is kinda an inside joke.

About the internship, when someone at work asked me if I learned anything doing this accounting internship, my mind could not come up with one thing I learned that I did not know before. Well, I guess I learned things specific to the company but nothing that could be helpful to know for future jobs at other companies. The lady at work tried to convince me to pursue accounting with amazing points and arguments about how accounting is probably much better than other occupations. Even with all that, I was not convinced.

Well, I mean I could settle for accounting... But I could also settle for a lot of other careers. Last resort settle. I'd really like to just blind two people of how powerful I can become though. If that fails, then I'll settle for something.

Now that I only have 2 more weeks of this internship left, it means moving back to school. Horrayyyyyy! Moving out. About time I get out of my parents house again. Those four months of summer was horrible. 9PM curfew was horrible. Kids that are 16 get a later curfew than me. I hope I never have to move back in with my parents for long.

Now I have to get motivated, ace the rest of uni and prove two sets of parents wrong. Especially the set that isn't my own.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Most Memorable Moment - Dufferin Station

When I went to pick up my resized ring--the promise ring you gave me. I was headed back to the station when someone attacked me in attempt to scare me! Haha, so apparently he walked in a group right past me just to see if I would notice, and when I didn't, he attacked me. Then we headed back to Dufferin mall to burn some time and eat a cinnabon. Squishy food yay!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Wishlist - June

Again, the stuff that would be cool to have but I really don't need.

  1. Something from ButterAvenue Patisserie & Cafe please! I've never gotten anything from here before but the desserts and menu items look super duper cute! This is a picture I got from their facebook page: 
  2. A cute Kimono. These modern robes are so cute. Here's a picture from yesstyle:
  3. The Yes Yes Yes Massage Bar. "Hits all the right spots" it claims. "Made with our sexiest fragrance," lush claims. Well you know what? I want to try it. If it's seductive enough I'll use it when massaging my boyfriend. 
  4. Muji Stationary. Ever since I watched JaneandJady's video of what's in their backpacks, I've wanted more Muji stationary to add to my collection. Maybe I need some notebooks and pens to start my CFA1 studying.
  5. Beach Trip. I had a lot of fun on a day beach trip with my friends last summer...Maybe it'll happen again this year? Hopefully...

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Most Memorable Moment - Islington Station

Ooh, it was hard to pick a single moment for this one, but are you ready for it?

When you ran down the corridor towards the last Mississauga bus stop to give me a mitten back. We were sharing a pair of mittens that day. The light grey ones. You were already headed in the opposite direction when we said our goodbyes for that day. Realizing that you forgot to return the mitten that we shared, you chased me on that subway line and caught me before I caught the bus at Islington station. And you did! Just so that I could give that mitten to you to keep. We now each have one mitten in that pair.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Most Memorable Moment - Castle Frank Station

My most memorable moment of this station was walking outside of this station on a bright summer afternoon and playing the trust game with you. I was to close my eyes and walk backwards down a slight;y declined and very uneven side walk with dangerous scary stones. You were guiding me down and said to trust you to catch me if I fall. I trusted you, I still trust you...with all my heart. I may pretend not to, but I do. The question is: do you trust me?

#currentmood

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

That Cute Coffee Shop

It was a childhood dream of mine to open my own coffee shop. A non-franchise, locally owned coffee shop. I've always loved the ambiance of a coffee shop even as a kid--when I didn't drink coffee. Passing by coffee shop store fronts in the city while growing up made me love the atmosphere even more.
From Pintrest
There aren't many locally owned coffee shops in the suburban city that I live in but heading into the city of Toronto, there are many. Since in the area I live in, there aren't many locally owned shops, I often go to the Starbucks nearby. I occasionally go to Starbucks for some caffeine at different times of the day at different times of the week. From what I observed, during the coffee shop rush hours on weekdays --before the early morning commute, lunch time, and after office hours-- I'd see the rush of people going in and out getting their drinks and leaving. There's that thrill of the rush. Then of course, the thrill is followed by the slow hours of the day or on weekends. That's when dates are scheduled, students find a spot to study, small support groups hold their meetings, etc.

It's that calm feeling of a coffee shop, with the buzz of talking customers and the scent of brewing coffee mixed with the small selection of baked snacks during the slower hours of the shop contrasted to the rush hours of coffee shops that makes the environment stand out.

A lot of things can happen at a coffee shop. Dates, meetings, students studying, support circles, etc. It may sometimes seem like normal everyday things but each experience created could be special to each individual. My boyfriend and I had our first date at a coffee shop. A small Starbucks in the middle of the financial district of Toronto actually, but let's save that story for another post.

From Pintrest
Aside from the coffee shop ambiance that I'd love to be apart of. My childhood dream of opening one of these shops also includes the opportunity to choose the interior decor. Making the place look all warm and cute, choosing the cups and serving material, and making the drinks and pastries of course. The decorative and preparation part was just all so thrilling. Then the pride of owning a super cute coffee shop. It was all part of a dream I had.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

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The Black Tux

I am kinda bummed to know that my boyfriend's first time wearing a tuxedo was for an event I didn't care for: Prom. Not only was it not for an event I found not important and incredibly overrated (see my post about my prom experience) also that when you think of it, it can be put as: "the first time he wore a tux was not for me (not for our wedding), but for another girl for prom". Okay, that sounded way more jealous than I intended. What I mean to emphasize was the prom part. I still don't understand what the big deal is about prom. I thought tuxes were reserved for special events such as being one of the grooms-men for your good buddy. Prom though?

I guess on the guy's part they can brag about having already worn a tux, but at this age or at a high school senior's age? Does it really matter?


When I say tuxedo what do you guys think of: weddings or prom?
When I say the word prom, what do you guys think of: suits or tuxes?
When I say the word groom, what do you guys think of: suits or tuxes?
Does the average high school students even have the money for tux rentals as opposed to suits lying around at home?

I think the answers to these are clear, but then again, it is my opinion again. Someone please enlighten me with the opposing argument.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Review: Grey Circle Lenses

As promised, here's the review on the Geo Bella Grey Circle Lenses from PinkyParadise!

A little about the lenses:

Brand:
 GEO
Origin: South Korea
Diameter: 14.2mm
Water Content: 38%
Base Curve: 8.6mm
Life Span: 1 year disposal
And here's a picture of the lenses from PinkyParadise 

The Review

Comfort: 5/5
I'm usually not a contact lens wearer so I was very surprised that these were incredibly comfortable. I wore it out for about 6 hours on a slightly chilly day here in mid-May Canada. It was about 15 degrees Celsius. I had no problems with discomfort at all except for when I first put them in my right eye. But that also happened with other lenses so I believe it just may be my eye structure that is causing the discomfort. There were times though maybe twice, where I would get slight blurriness but after blinking once or twice, it'd go away.

Colour: 4/5
Super natural colour. Exactly what I was looking for. The picture the of the lenses on the model makes the lens seem like it would be a lighter grey than I expected, but that is the case only in good lightings, otherwise it is quite natural on my dark brown eyes.

Overall: 4.5/5
The Geo Bella Grey looks very pretty for subtle enlarging and subtle colour. I would definitely recommend this to those who want to try circle lenses for the first time, or those wanting a natural look with subtle enhancements. I would repurchase this when my lenses come to the end of its life span.

My Experience with PinkyParadise

My first experience with PinkyParadise was nice, their shipping estimated times are incredibly accurate. I paid for the express shipping that estimated around 3-5 business days and it arrived on the third business day after I placed my order. I also had a coupon code that I used that gave free samples, and they gave me something that could hold my hair back and three eye-masks! My order had 4 lenses in total and the packaging for it was amazing, nothing was damaged as each pair of lenses were wrapped in pink foam. Overall I really like their service and I'd definitely buy from them again.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

A girl made my day at Anime North!

So I went to a convention for something that I was not very interested in: Anime. A lot of people were cosplaying, including my boyfriend, his brother, and friends. I knew less than 10% of the characters cosplayed at the convention, and was feeling very left out. My boyfriend, his brother, and his gang cosplayed as members of a swim team from a popular anime called Free!. So as people went up to them and asked for pictures, I just tried to get out of the way and hid into the back ground.

This happened for a lot of the day. Except for when my boyfriend and I were alone. Then no one really asks for his picture as it is more rare for a whole group cosplaying as members of the full swim team.

Near the end of our day at the convention, I was browsing around the artists' area with my boyfriend and this girl approached us and asked us both to pose for a picture. like....whatttt??? I'm not even in a costume! Well...I am a redhead asian and I was wearing the "swim team" colour (kinda), but I looked in no way in role for any character from that anime. That girl who asked for our picture was considerate enough to include a seemingly not-an-anime-lover girlfriend of a cosplayer in a picture. Giiiiiiiiirrrrlllll, you're amazing, thank you for making me feel included!

She made made my i-feel-left-out kind of day!
Ooh and on the plus, MY BOYFRIEND TOOK ME TO GET WINGS !!! -craving satisfied- -happy me- #previouspost

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Wishlist - May

May Wanted - Things that would be cool to have, but I don't really need them. 
  1. An Apartment. It doesn't need to be a fancy apartment, just something liveable. In fact, I don't even need furniture. Just the mattress would be great. I've been wanting to move out for a while now and usually step one of that would be to save up money...or graduate first. While I'm working on that, I guess it will be an item on my wishlist. 
  2. A Watch. Work can be slow when you have no idea what time it is. You don't know when your shift is going to end, or if it's even close to break time. A watch would be handy at work. Also, I really like the look of simple casual watches. It jazzes up the lazy outfit but can still be worn with dressy outfits. 
  3. An Every Day City Bag. A bag that can be worn to carry my bigger items such as my 13 inch laptop and a notebook, as well as my other knick knacks (like my phone, sweater, pens, mints, on-the-go make-up kit, my camera etc). I would use this as a replacement for my backpack for my more glammed up days. Maybe when I am going to a job interview, if I ever have business meetings, or just days I want to use a fancier bag to attend classes. Don't get me wrong, I love my Hershel Supply Co. Baltasar backpack, it's just that some days, I need something dressier to match the outfit and occasion. An everyday city bag in monochromatic tones would be amazing. 
  4. Louisiana Chicken Wings. Ahh. Any solid foods please. Only when you can't eat some things that you crave them. I was totally fine with resisting the urges to eat when I was able to eat. But since my wisdom teeth extraction a few days ago, I can't eat hard to eat solids yet. Pleasseeee give me chicken wings when I can eat again!
Well that sums up my current want list. Anyone want to buy me chicken wings in a week? 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Circle Lenses

I just placed an order for circle lenses from pinkyparadise! YAY! I've only worn circle lenses once and that was a year ago. It was a pair that my friend got for me from an anime convention. This time, I was actually able to choose the circle lenses I want. I've wanted to try circle lenses for a long time. Ones that look natural and that I can wear on a daily basis--not cosplay ones like the one my friend got me last year. I've done quite a bit of research on them over the years, but never got around to actually buying a pair from online. I find that shopping for the circle lenses in the local stores here in Toronto is very tricky. There can be fake lenses that mimic the logo of brands but the product is not up to par with the quality. Of everything that I can cheap out on, I think I'd like to keep my eyes functional so ordering from a well trusted online store was what I did.

I ordered the GEO BELLA GREY circle lenses for myself.
It is supposed to be a 14.2 mm diameter (one of the smaller diameters on the market of circle lenses).
I will probably do a review on this lens once I receive them.

I also ordered a few lenses for my boyfriend and his brother for their cosplay costume. They're cosplaying as a characters from a swim team in an anime called Free!. Yeah...I haven't watched that anime so I don't really know what it is about. They got green and purple lenses. My boyfriend is suggesting that I cosplay as a girl from that anime as well so I got red lenses to play that girl. I may or may not do a review on those red lenses.

I'm super excited for these lenses to come in!

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

If I Could do Prom Over Again

It's prom season and it's reminding me of how old I've gotten. It's been two years since my senior year of high school. Two years! Okay well...It's wasn't that far away, and it doesn't make me feel that old, but I wonder how things would've been for prom if it went a little differently. Would I have chosen a short dress again or a long dress? Would I have done my hair differently? What did I think about the promposal I got? Would I have said yes to that prom date this time around? 

The Dress
Well first of all, when I was in my senior year of high school, I was not as worried about the look of the dress as the cost of getting a dress at all. I didn't have much money, what I had was some saved up lunch money that I didn't use over the months and some birthday money. My budget for a dress was very small. Other girls just asked their parents to buy a dress for them, but I didn't want to burden my Asian parents. Asking them for 200-400 dollars for a (what other girls call a cheaper range) dress that I was only going to use for one night seemed too much. I also had to pay for my own ticket...so budget was important.

So shopping around, I found a dress that was under $150 and seemed acceptable as a prom dress. Oh how wrong I was. I felt like many of the other girls at prom were so much more glamorous than I was. I had a short purple dress with faint green tones. 

This was my prom dress.
I wasn't the least under-dressed since other girls had dresses that looked more like a grade 5 graduation dress or a summer dress from forever 21, but I was there on the "I feel underdressed" list.
My dress was puffy...hated it when I put it on that night. 

Now...If I could do prom again, I woudve picked a long or short but flowing, but not puffy.
Something like these dresses would've been perfect...if budget allowed of course. (Or if I got really lucky and found a dress like these within my budget)




The Hair
Okay, you have to understand that I did not know how to do hair or make-up as well as I do now back in the day. For prom in my senior year, I had curls and I put it in a half up do. Not knowing how to curl my hair properly back then, I curled all the pieces in the same direction. A big mistake for a long night, I know. The curls ended up piecing together for one big wave rather than curls. The up-do was also kinda weird because of that. My whole look was kinda weird because the length of my hair didn't suit the type of tight curls that I had. I had about shoulder length hair and the curls just made my hair look even shorter.

How I would've done this differently is to instead of trying a half up do, I would've left my hair down and gave myself much looser waves. Sorta like the girl in the blue dress above.

The Promposal & The Prom Date
The promposal I got was a simple rose and question. To be completely honest, I really didn't care what promposal I got as long as the person promposing to me wanted to do it. I'd probably find any promposal cute.

My boyfriend at that time complained so much about needing to give me a promposal at all since we were already dating. After his friends told him the reasons for it like..."it's just for fun"..."why not, just to put a smile on her face"...etc. he finally gave me a promposal. Not that I even asked him for one. I just told some friends that it would be nice to receive one and I guess that passed around. After promposing though, he complained that he had to go purchase that one rose at all and make the time at all to prompose. Then, when there were arguments that arose between us, there's be that one line he says "I gave you a promposal, so I'm right in this argument." okay he didn't really say that but that's what he'd imply, mentioning the promposal.

So really, if I were to do this part differently, I'd rather go alone to prom or even not go at all. I was actually not planning on attending prom at all but that mean prom date/ex complained so hard and even offered to pay for my ticket so I hesitantly agreed. Well...he ended up not paying because he "forgot to" and "forgot he offered to". Did I even mention limo costs? Split between about 10 others, we each had to pay about $50. I didn't want to take the limo and was going to carpool with some friends and their dates, but no, I was threatened (with that promposal) to go with him and his friends in a limo. He offered to pay for my portion & guess what?? YUP, he "forgot". He even forgot to pay for his own portion that I had to pay for it.

Then came the actual event. This prom date did not let me on the dance floor to have fun at all. When I wanted to go up and dance with some girl friends, he would not let me. He made me stay at the table the entire time when the rest of the world is on the dance floor having fun. 


So really, I would have been better off not going at all to this horrendous senior prom night that everyone says is a one in a lifetime type of night.

I just get so jealous when others talk about their prom night, the movie moment night, the movie like date, and everything of that sort, and all I had were threats, wallet drainage, and emotional stress.

And that concludes my little (not-so-little) rant about my prom experience. 

Edit: Forgot to mention. Our prom tickets came with a professional photoshoot at the lobby while waiting for the event planners to start seating people. My prom date didnt even let me take photos. He didn't let me take a photo with him and he didn't let me go take a photo with my friends. He didn't let me take that photoshoot at all. To all those people who got to, I'm jealous of you. Seems like everyone had a kickass time at prom and I was there waiting for it to end so I could go home. 

L D R

Lana Del Rey? No. Long distance relationship. My long distance relationship. It can also be an acronym for Lavina-Distance-Raymond. -Cries-

It's hard...you don't get to see each other as often as you like. Trust is a big thing and patience is the other.

Well...we're not quite long distance, but its far enough that we can't see each until the weekends and even then our schedules sometimes does not match up. Semi-long distance, as he likes to call it.

90 km and about 3 cities away, I'm keeping warm in his cologne sprayed hoodie.


Decader!


There is about 27 days before my boyfriend's 20th birthday and I still don't know what to get him. The panic.. I'm currently just browsing the internet for cute gift ideas and birthday celebration ideas. Anyone have suggestions? I'm on a low budget considering that I still haven't found a job for the summer yet.

Before school ended, I was actually hoping that my old employers were still hiring. That way I would've got a few pay-checks in before his birthday, but the companies aren't doing so well in business this year and are not hiring at the moment.

Aside from a handmade card and a gift, I'm smoked out of ideas. Maybe I should check out his favourite clothing stores, but I don't know if he'd like the clothes I choose for him. I know that he also likes couple things like workout shirts, bracelets, phone cases, etc. but I feel like those should be reserved for anniversaries.



Thursday, May 7, 2015

Past, Present, Future.

Summer is a time to slow down and enjoy the little things. Enjoy the present and have faith in what the future holds.

I sometimes forget the gift of the present. I look back on things that are no longer important. I know I need to learn to accept the past. My past, and the past of those around me.

 I feel like writing and blogging has been helping, but I still have work to do. I need to get to that place where I was when nothing bothered me like this. Summer, please help me pick myself back up.

"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be."

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Confidence


My self-confidence comes in waves. It's weird I know. I'm supposed to be either confident or not, but there are some months of the year I have no problem with loving myself just the way I am and then there are months where I am absolutely insecure about everything. Those months that I just cannot find my confidence, I start to compare myself to others. I know you shouldn't compare yourself to others. I mean, who doesn't know. Some of us just can't help it sometimes.

-----

There are just those times when I realize I can't do anything extraordinarily well. I mean I can do a lot of things that can be impressive but never anything that could win an award as top of something. Not even a high school award. The best award I've ever gotten was "Most Improved Player" for volleyball or "Athlete of the Month" for some months in high school. These don't even count as awards that top out anything.

Then I think myself, perhaps athletics isn't my department and something else is. Nope, not academics, not music and not arts. Nothing, I can not be good at anything. Then there are those people I know that have topped out the school in academic awards, athletic awards, gotten scholarships, starting their own business ventures, and being video editor for a lot of the clubs in their school.

-sigh-

Is it because I haven't found something I'm good at or is it because I really cannot be at the top of anything? I really don't know, but people say you don't need to be the best. Then there comes those quotes that are like "Whatever you become, be the best of it." I get so discouraged sometimes...

Looking past the accomplishments part of insecurity, then comes the physical appearance insecurities. Do I look as good as her? Am I as fit as her? Do I look flabby? She looks so perfect. I wish I was like that. 

-----

"Who are you comparing yourself to?" he asked.
I didn't want to say who so I gave names and figures of people in my life that seemed successful in their own way. Really, I am just embarrassed to let it be known who I am comparing myself to, because to others, I really shouldn't be comparing myself to that person, no one should be comparing me to that person.

Often times, the thoughts that contribute to insecurity seem to come in endless waves and breakdowns become inevitable. Well...for me at least.

I know that insecurities don't just hurt you, it also hurts those around you to see how you don't love yourself as much as you should. Comparing yourself to others won't validate yourself, jealousy is a demon inside of you that will keep eating at you until you defeat it.

Then a very wise someone told me "There's that saying: you're comparing your own behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel and that is the main source of insecurity for many people."

So since then, I've been trying to find that little bit of good in me and love myself for it. Even though it might not be as great as an "Athlete of the Year" award or "1st place Regional Science Fair" award, I guess I can live off of "you always know how to make me smile". Just those little things. Even if it's hard, I'll keep trying..



Saturday, March 28, 2015

Oh mother.

I went to my parents' today. I try to minimize the duration of my stay at my parents during the school year because they have a lot of food. Today I read out the nutrition label of everything I ate...for no reason.
"Pepperoni sticks, 200 Calories per stick, 100 grams of blahblahblah.."
My mom then jumps in after a while and says "You're gonna get fat if you keep snacking and eating like that!" so of course I would counter that and be like,
"Fine, I wont eat it. -puts down pepperoni stick and starts to walk off-"
"Hey. finish your food and finish the dumplings I made too."

Mommy logic: you fat, eat more. 
Oh mommy, you're so funny.

SmiLe for a picture!

I had a dentist appointment today that went pretty well....until I was told some scary news. If you know me, I am scared of the dentist. That's why I always try my best to keep my teeth clean to minimize the number of trips I need to make to the dentist. Today was a annual clean and check-up day. At the end of my appointment my dentist said that my teeth are great, no cavities or anything..'cept I had 4 wisdom teeth starting to grow out and I need them removed because they are not growing out straight. Even if they are, my mouth does not have enough space and the wisdom teeth will shift all my teeth and undo the torture of braces.

I am scared.

Does it hurt to get wisdom teeth taken out?

Monday, March 23, 2015

Oh Time, Where Have You Gone?

The winter semester is almost over and I have yet to find a job for the summer. Someone please hire me. If becoming a professional blogger was easy, I'd just do that and work from home everyday. Unfortunately, becoming a professional blogger requires me to focus on one thing. Business or make-up for example, and I don't seem to know enough of one thing to dedicate an entire blog to it. If only readers were interested in my life, it'd me much easier. Updating the blog on my life every now and then.

So I've been sending out resumes and cover letters here and there hoping for a call back, but no luck yet. When I did get a call back though, they were looking for someone to start right away and I am still in school. Just my luck right? Well, hopefully if I keep applying, someone will call me back with an offer for an interview.

Speaking of time flying by, final exams are in about two weeks. Oh no~ Well... actually... two weeks is sufficient time to prepare for a final exam...if I actually used that time wisely. Like many others out there, I am quite the procrastinator when it comes to school work. Good thing my boyfriend has been motivating me to start studying early, at least this exam season won't be as bad as last semester since my exam schedule is much more spaced out, giving me more time to prepare for each one.

Before I think about exams, I got to get past this week of assignment due dates. (Sigh) Better get to work now~
 

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