Friday, April 3, 2015

Uninvited

wah

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Confidence


My self-confidence comes in waves. It's weird I know. I'm supposed to be either confident or not, but there are some months of the year I have no problem with loving myself just the way I am and then there are months where I am absolutely insecure about everything. Those months that I just cannot find my confidence, I start to compare myself to others. I know you shouldn't compare yourself to others. I mean, who doesn't know. Some of us just can't help it sometimes.

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There are just those times when I realize I can't do anything extraordinarily well. I mean I can do a lot of things that can be impressive but never anything that could win an award as top of something. Not even a high school award. The best award I've ever gotten was "Most Improved Player" for volleyball or "Athlete of the Month" for some months in high school. These don't even count as awards that top out anything.

Then I think myself, perhaps athletics isn't my department and something else is. Nope, not academics, not music and not arts. Nothing, I can not be good at anything. Then there are those people I know that have topped out the school in academic awards, athletic awards, gotten scholarships, starting their own business ventures, and being video editor for a lot of the clubs in their school.

-sigh-

Is it because I haven't found something I'm good at or is it because I really cannot be at the top of anything? I really don't know, but people say you don't need to be the best. Then there comes those quotes that are like "Whatever you become, be the best of it." I get so discouraged sometimes...

Looking past the accomplishments part of insecurity, then comes the physical appearance insecurities. Do I look as good as her? Am I as fit as her? Do I look flabby? She looks so perfect. I wish I was like that. 

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"Who are you comparing yourself to?" he asked.
I didn't want to say who so I gave names and figures of people in my life that seemed successful in their own way. Really, I am just embarrassed to let it be known who I am comparing myself to, because to others, I really shouldn't be comparing myself to that person, no one should be comparing me to that person.

Often times, the thoughts that contribute to insecurity seem to come in endless waves and breakdowns become inevitable. Well...for me at least.

I know that insecurities don't just hurt you, it also hurts those around you to see how you don't love yourself as much as you should. Comparing yourself to others won't validate yourself, jealousy is a demon inside of you that will keep eating at you until you defeat it.

Then a very wise someone told me "There's that saying: you're comparing your own behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel and that is the main source of insecurity for many people."

So since then, I've been trying to find that little bit of good in me and love myself for it. Even though it might not be as great as an "Athlete of the Year" award or "1st place Regional Science Fair" award, I guess I can live off of "you always know how to make me smile". Just those little things. Even if it's hard, I'll keep trying..



 

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